Michele Connolly

Your Call Is Important To Us

Your call is important to us.

As proof, please enjoy being put on hold for a prolonged period. We are stealing your time in order to employ fewer staff and use the money to pay obscene bonuses to senior executives instead.

Your Call Is Important To Us

Your call is important to us.

As further evidence we care, please use this voice recognition feature. It will not understand you, forcing you to repeat yourself in ever-more exasperating attempts to enunciate your words. If you eventually hang up in despair, well that’s your choice. We did our best. By which we mean the least expensive.

Your Call Is Important To Us

Your call is important to us.

In case you still need convincing we care, please be forced to listen to perky ads for our products as you wait. You will feel your life slipping away, quite possibly along with your very will to live. This ensures that by the time we get to you, you are either a sad shell of your former self and incapable of calling us on our bullshit, or so crazed that you take out your frustration on our staff, who were not involved in the decision to steal your time for our colossal paychecks. Honestly, how do we get away with it?

Your Call Is Important To Us

Your call is important to us.

As a gesture of our goodwill, should you progress to speak to an actual human person, please enjoy endlessly repeating your information to all the many operators we will transfer you to. We do not have a protocol for passing on the information you provide each time, as that would require additional staff, technology, and training. All of which take away from those humongous bonuses. Did we mention the size of those bonuses? Sheesh.

Your Call Is Important To Us

Your call is important to us.

As a final show of our contempt— um, we mean care, please take special note that if you reach the right person for your issue, your persistence will be rewarded with an infuriating customer service experience, usually through no fault of the operator. You will almost certainly be put on hold for further extended periods. There will also be repeated citing of ‘policies’ that make absolutely no sense but are spoken in hushed, reverent tones. These policies are designed to make life easier for us so we can keep stealing your time to fund our profits.

Your Call Is Important To Us

Your call is important to us.

See, we figure if we say your call is important we’ll distract you from our actions, which clearly show nothing but disdain for you and your call. Let’s face it – to us you are simply a contributor to the fucking awesome bonuses we may or may not have mentioned earlier. Obviously it’s the executive bonuses that are important to us. Yeah, we’re bending you over to max out those bonuses – we know it, you know it, but what can you do about it? NOTHING.

Now, as we were saying…

Your call is important to us.

Note: I’ve linked the memes to their sources.

My Highs And Lows Of 2017 And Goals For 2018

In psychology there’s this idea that some babies have a ‘slow to warm up’ temperament. These little ones are tentative about new people and situations. I picture their small faces screwed up in crossness, baby thought bubbles above their heads saying, Who dis?

I think I’m a slow to warm up adult. For instance, I seem to be congenitally incapable of doing interval training. By the time my mind and body have worked out what we’re supposed to be doing the interval is over and some other thing is happening. It’s very confusing!

And it always seems to be the third week of January before I get around to farewelling the past year and thinking about the one to come. And by to come I mean which is already 1/17th over.

Anyway… here, belatedly, is a short review of my 2017 – the highs, the lows, the dubious, the discombobulating – and a few things I’d like to achieve in 2018.

2017

Novels

The novels I enjoyed most in 2017 were:

  • The History of Wolves by Emily Fridlund
  • Sweetbitter by Stephanie Danler – this one is being made into a TV series on Starz
  • The Girls by Emma Cline.

As I look at this list I realise all three are first-person narratives told by strangely detached yet beautifully poetic young women. Huh… My reviews/ratings are on Goodreads.

Non Fiction

The standout non fiction book for me last year was The French Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Fabrice Midal. It’s really a book about mindfulness. As a failed meditator I found the message of this book – to try less hard, in a way – deeply comforting. So much of the non fiction I usually read is American, and the different cultural perspective, relying less on endless anecdotes to lead in to every point, was wonderfully refreshing.

TV Shows

The shows I most loved were:

  • GoT – I’ve basically written the final season in my own head and spent much of the past few months boring all my friends with my various theories
  • Berlin Station – Season 1 was so intelligent and surprisingly moving
  • The Jim Jefferies Show – not for the politically conservative! Although I enjoy the comedy I most appreciate his intriguing, creative mind. I would totally invite him to my dinner party, were I ever to host such a thing (because that’s the obstacle to Jim Jefferies coming to my house – my non dinner-party hosting status).

Professional

Lowlight: I had to deal with a very difficult and costly professional relationship. Yuck!

Highlight: But got my first book published – woohoo!

Personal

My friends were, as usual, one of the best things about the year.

I was touched and so utterly grateful for their support of my book – buying multiple copies, sharing my book updates with their friends, coming to my signing.

I was also struck several times by how lucky I am to have friends who tell me what I need to hear. Just recently one friend gave me difficult but absolutely spot-on feedback on a project. Another pointed out, though in her very gentle way, an annoying and self-defeating attitude I had developed. And if I’m ever cross with Craig about some heinous misstep of his, my friends always make me feel they’re totally on my side, while actually pointing out exactly how things look from his side. Damn them! With friends like these – well I couldn’t be luckier.

2018

As for the new year, here’s what I’m focussed on…

Professional

  1. Supporting and promoting my published book, How to Be Thin in a World of Chocolate
  2. Working on my current manuscript – this one is about introversion – to make it the best I can
  3. Playing around with new writing projects.

Personal

  1. Being able to do the splits – In fashion documentary Mademoiselle C, Carine Roitfeld  (style maven and editor-in-chief of French Vogue for a decade) did the splits, and she was in her late 50s! She said it took her about a year. I want to try!
  2. Learning art app Procreate and finding a style for my own creative practice
  3. Learning art history – I’ll start by re-watching my DVDs of the absolutely delightful Sister Wendy.

There’s one more personal goal but it’s a complicated one that needs its own post – so I’ll write that separately.

I like this process of reviewing and looking ahead! I think I’ll write another post like this next quarter, so I’ll see you again in March.

Well, probably April!

So how about you? What were your key milestones of 2017? Beloved books and TV shows? What’s on your agenda for 2018? Please share!

5 Science-Based Hacks To Diet Goals You’ll Stick To

If you want to lose a few kilos then what’s the best approach? Should you give up carbs? Sugar? Gluten? Dairy?

Well, you could try giving up any one of these food groups. But if you’re like many people, you may find you abandon the plan quicker than you can say triple chocolate chip cookie. And probably with less difficulty.

Those people are just weak-willed, lily-livered wusses, though, right?

It’s seductive to think all it takes is strength of mind and you should be able to cut out a food group and shed unwanted weight. But the truth is your mind has its own agenda, and can sabotage your weight loss efforts like a neural Eve Harrington.

It’s seductive to think all it takes is strength of mind to cut out a food group and shed weight. But your mind has its own agenda and can sabotage you like a neural Eve Harrington.Click To Tweet

How?

For one thing, when you give up something you try to avoid thinking about it. But in a study called Suppressing Thoughts of Chocolate* it was found that trying not to think about chocolate can make you more likely to have chocolate. So giving up something you love in order to lose weight can lead you to eat more of it. Excellent.

For another, when you’re deprived of food it can lead to binging and disordered eating. Which will come as a shock to literally nobody who has ever been on a restrictive diet. This is precisely what happened to WWII veterans after they suffered food deprivation as prisoners of war** – so you can’t put it down to being a contemporary food issues thing.

And as a nasty little kicker, metastudies*** have found that dieting leads you to become preoccupied with the denied food and also makes you more dissatisfied with life in general. So now you’re obsessive, binging, and miserable. Great.

That explains why dietary goals and resolutions are so tough to stick to.

So then, is it hopeless? Is there anything you can give up to help dislodge excess kilos?

Don’t throw your protein ball at me yet – the answer, happily, is yes. You can give up certain foods without triggering your brain’s self-preservation instincts.

But! You have to choose the foods carefully and relinquish them gently. Here’s how.

First, get in touch with what you love, and don’t deny yourself your favourite treats. Maybe for you that’s chocolate or ice cream or cheese.

Second, when you really feel like it, have it. And enjoy it – without guilt.

Third, when you don’t especially feel like it, let it go. There’ll always be another chocolate eclair. If you’re not really in the mood or this one is not the greatest, leave it.

There’ll always be another chocolate eclair. If you’re not really in the mood or this one is not the greatest, leave it.Click To Tweet

Fourth, once you identify the treats you love, say no to the ones you could take or leave. In fact, make this your mantra: if you can take it or leave it, always leave it. If you love red wine then skip the cocktails. If you adore cheese then who needs dessert.

Fifth, give up calorie-dense food you don’t especially care for, rather than arbitrary groups that contain foods you love. If you don’t love cake, don’t eat it. Save yourself for the most pleasure.

The secret to goals and resolutions that become permanent lifestyle changes is to work out what you truly enjoy, reassure yourself you can have it when you really want it, and give up what you can pretty happily live without.

That way you don’t have to suppress cravings, or feel deprived, or lose life satisfaction. And nobody’s head has to look like like a chocolate eclair.

Sources:

* http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/(SICI)1098-108X(199907)26:1%3C21::AIDEAT3%3E3.0.CO;2-7/abstract
** http://psycnet.apa.org/buy/1994-33984-001
*** http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0002822396001617

Some Of My Favourite Strategies For Being Thin In A World Of Chocolate

Here’s a short video of my favourite strategies for staying thin in a world of chocolate, cheese, pizza, red wine…

Though to be honest I use them all! All 56 of the anti-fad, anti-diet, anti-misery lifestyle hacks in my book help me to look and feel my best, while still enjoying life’s pleasures.

Do you have a favourite?

6 Tips For Surviving Christmas Guilt-Free

There’s plenty of guilt associated with Christmas. Guilt for the comment about cousin Bob’s festive sweater. Guilt for snapping at the super slow sales assistant. Guilt for saying the gingerbread men were homemade. (None of these have ever happened to me.)

Anyway, the last thing we need is more guilt about a little extra indulgence.

Here’s how to survive Christmas and avoid the guilt.

1. Expect to go a little overboard

If there’s one day of the year to give yourself dietary leeway, it’s Christmas. Expect to overdo it a bit, and don’t make yourself miserable about it. Relax!

However, this doesn’t apply to the entire Christmas period. You can’t treat every Christmas event as an exception, unless you want to start the new year with an all-track-pant wardrobe.

Choose your special Christmas occasion and save yourself for an enjoyable splurge.

2. Don’t arrive ravenous

It may be tempting to starve yourself in anticipation of a big celebration, but this strategy can backfire.

When we’re ravenous we tend to make poor food choices. We eat mindlessly and too fast, so we don’t enjoy your food and barely register that we’ve eaten – except for the discomfort of feeling overstuffed. It’s also hard to enjoy the occasion or the company if the only thing on your mind is when are they going to serve the damn dinner.

A better idea is to have a snack beforehand – a few pieces of cheese and apple or some plain yoghurt with blueberries. You’ll be able to make good choices, take pleasure in your food, and enjoy the company too.

3. Pick your Christmas table battles

No, I’m not talking about fighting Aunt Jo for the centrepiece.

As with life, you can’t have everything, but you can often have what you want most. So pick your favourite Christmas treats and enjoy them – but leave the other indulgences alone.

Maybe you adore Christmas pudding and brandy custard – then step away from the pavlova. Maybe you wait all year for the special gravy – then skip the creamy potato salad.

The more variety on your plate, the easier it is to overeat. Focus on the foods that give you the most pleasure and limit yourself to these.

4. Set alcohol expectations

Alcohol is double trouble – it packs its own calorie punch but also lowers your resistance to other temptations. A good idea is to plan to have say two or three drinks, with a mineral water or lime and soda in between.

If you know this is your plan, you can space out your beverages over the afternoon or evening, savour your drinks with pleasurable sips, and focus on the conversation and company.

You’ll also spare yourself tomorrow’s hangover, a greasy breakfast, and the memory of your rousing rendition of Do They Know it’s Christmas.

5. Be a good guest

If you’re a guest at someone else’s home, be the one to help carry platters and bottles to and from the table. Being active helps you get in some micro-exercise and also stops you from embedding yourself deep in the armchair betwixt the prawns and the bowls of salted nuts.

The combination of overeating and under-moving can destroy even the best intentions and make it almost impossible to break yourself out of the grazing groove.

Instead, help set up and top up and clean up, and keep yourself moving around. You’ll feel lighter and eat better, and there won’t be a you-shaped indentation in the sofa when you leave.

6. Bypass guilt-fuelled resolutions

Many people overdo it at Christmas with the vague plan of undoing the damage from January 1. This just adds more pressure to an already tense time.

But another option is to ease into a little low-key exercise early. Take advantage of warm summer evenings and go for a short walk after dinner. Get into the Christmas spirit and listen to audiobooks of favourite childhood stories while on a stationary bike. Try a new class at the gym before the January hordes descend.

Adding exercise at this time of year could also boost your sense of wellbeing and reduce your Christmas shopping stress.

So maybe this year you won’t snap at the sluggish salesperson. Instead you’ll just smile and take a breath and know that you’ll survive Christmas, without the guilt. But definitely with the Christmas pudding and brandy sauce.

WIN A *FREE* Copy Of ‘How To Be Thin In A World Of Chocolate’!

Finch Publishing is giving away 10 signed copies of my new book, How to Be Thin in a World of Chocolate.

Along with my signature I’ve also included a secret doodle in each copy. Yeah it’s possible I had too much time on my hands that day. 🙄

Anyway, here’s how to win your very own signed and secret-doodled copy…

Enter Now On Goodreads

Enter Now to win one of only 10 signed author copies of How to Be Thin in a World of Chocolate by the smart, funny and sassy author Michele Connolly. The Ant-Fad and Anti-Misery guide to losing weight for life! Is a fantastic gift for your BFF!

Goodreads Book Giveaway

How to Be Thin in a World of Chocolate by Michele Connolly

How to Be Thin in a World of Chocolate

by Michele Connolly

Giveaway ends November 30, 2017.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

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