If I Were Queen Of The World

Queen's Coffee

If I were Queen of the world…

I would designate an island (short-term) / planet (long-term) to which people would be exiled for certain atrocities. First onto the plane / spaceship would be:

  • People who repeatedly sniff snotulantly in public
  • People who claim to be ‘humbled’ by public recognition of their achievements
  • Whoever changed bubble wrap so it no longer pops
  • People who share a good deed on Facebook as a random act of kindness, when we all know it’s a random act of self-congratulation.

I would institute creative punishments for other offenses:

  • People who toss cigarette butts on the ground, out of cars, etc, would have everyone’s garbage dumped in their house for one week*
  • People who steal identities would have all their passwords on everything changed so they could not access anything for one week*
  • People who spam would have their spam filters disabled and their emails given to all the other spammers for one week*
  • People who walk slowly and fall into step alongside other slow walkers to form an impenetrable, sidewalk-hogging wall of slow-walkers would be required to wear ‘slow walker’ stickers on their person and would only be allowed onto the street during off-peak times.

*Note these punishments are only for one week because I believe in second chances. As you see, I would be a benevolent Queen. Except when it comes to slow walkers because they really bug me.

Under my rule, businesses would also pay for their misdeeds:

  • Companies using those stickers that will not come off in one go, but require endless picking and breaking of fingernails for removal, would have these stickers plastered over all their screens – including phones, tablets, computers, TVs, etc
  • Companies using automated voice response phone systems to save their money by using up your time (to hear options, wait on hold, listen to interminable loops of soul-sucking muzak interspersed by blatantly false messages that ‘your call is important to us’) would be required to donate to a registered charity $20 for every two minutes you are kept waiting
  • Companies selling homeopathic remedies would receive payments diluted to the point where no actual monetary value changed hands
  • Companies employing sales assistants who follow you around the store jabbering relentlessly and asking over-friendly questions and who insist on getting your name before letting you into a fitting room would be forced to read Quiet by Susan Cain.

I bet as you read this the strains of What a Wonderful World are swelling in your mind’s ear.

Mine too. 🙂

Image: Queens Coffee by Florian under CC by 2.0

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