Notes

How To Internet: A 5-Step Instruction Manual

Using The Internet and Social Medias can at first seem overwhelming. There are many traps for the web novice.

But you needn’t feel intimidated. With these handy tips you too can Internet like a pro.

1. Change People’s Opinions

One of the most effective ways to Internet on Social Medias is to correct the misguided opinions of others.

People are allowed onto The Internet with wrongheaded notions about many things. The best way to deal with their ignorance is to attack their views and share your own.

This is most productive if their opinion is based on religion, politics, or another entrenched worldview. The more deeply-held the belief, the more likely the person will see the error of their ways and quickly switch to your more enlightened perspective.

Usually they’ll reply to your comment with ‘Wow thanks – I didn’t know’, and a succession of smily faces.

2. Be Outraged

An excellent way to avoid facing the existential meaninglessness of life is to look for something online to become offended about.

Good targets include a joke you choose to take seriously, a turn of phrase open to misconstruction, or a genuine mistake the person probably regrets.

If possible, level accusations of racism or sexism, even if you suspect that was not the intention. It’s not about them, after all; the whole point of taking offense is to make it about you.

The more time you spend whipping up your outrage about everything, the less you’ll have to think about the eternal, gaping void.

3. Share Without Checking Sources

The Internet is almost entirely quality content.

Among the most reliable sources are blogs making major claims without quoting evidence or sources, and websites boasting a high grammatical/spelling error count per sentence.

Images shared on Social Medias that have ‘facts’ added in comic sans or other compelling fonts are also 100% trustworthy.

It’s best not to verify such information against Snopes, major news publications, references sites, or any sources bogged down by editorial standards and fact-checking.

Such dilly-dallying only slows down the spread of these important nuggets.

Instead, share this type of content promptly, confidently, and frequently.

4. Decide ‘The Line’ Is On The Other Side Of You

When considering what is acceptable behavior and what is not, be sure to locate that line just beyond what you yourself do.

Good areas to apply this principle including child-rearing strategies, dietary regimes, airplane etiquette, and general morals.

When Interneting, be quick to judge any practices on the other side of your own. Highlight them on Social Medias as a way to show your superior standards of parenting/clean eating/being a human.

Take special care to avoid empathy and compassion, both of which can seriously undermine your ability to be judgmental.

Remember that without quick, harsh, nasty judgements, The Internet would immediately collapse. Do your part.

5. React To Headlines, Especially If Sensationalistic

To properly Internet, you mustn’t get distracted with reading. If a headline says something provocative then let this be enough for you and skip the article.

There is a terrible danger when you ignore this advice and proceed to read an entire article. Often the headline’s sensationalism resolves into something more complex. Issues become less black and white and people’s actions appear more understandable.

Sadly, at times this can lead to your reaching the end of an article and finding you’re no longer appalled. In extreme cases you may gain understanding about a complex matter. Such evenhanded consideration of issues is one of the greatest blights facing The Internet today.

It’s much better to restrict yourself to the headline, react passionately, and share your outrage so you can enlist others to join in your ire.

See – it’s not so hard, is it?

With these tips as your guide, you can Internet at a high level and make a valuable contribution to the online world.

Image: Day 29 by Chris Barber under CC by 2.0

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2 Comments

  • Reply St Cece November 23, 2015 at 8:40 pm

    There’s nothing worse than seeing a reply to your comment as being “you should read the article not just the headline.”
    Seriously? Really? Really, seriously? Who’s got time for that? #ILikeToSkim
    Great article.Thanks Michele.

    • Reply Michele Connolly November 23, 2015 at 8:42 pm

      Well YOU probably don’t have time, what with all your saintliness and virginity-protecting. 🙂

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