You may know I’ve developed a new and exciting form of exercise. It involves dance-walking in my neighborhood to a playlist of sick new beats the same songs I’ve been listening to for 25 years.
Now a number of you* have contacted me to say you’d like to learn this method for yourselves. As Les Mills is yet to approach me about licensing my program (BodyDance-Walk™), I’m willing to share a few tips, plus a Q&A, below.
Let’s use The Animal Song by Savage Garden for our lesson. With this track you begin with air drums, and you need to pound them pretty hard. (No, that’s NOT WHAT SHE SAID. Stop it.)
Next, you smoothly segue into freestyle dance moves at the chorus, all the while maintaining your forward momentum. Hence the dance-walk. You may like to use your arms but be warned that this will frighten people trimming their hedges as you pass.
I don’t recommend playing multiple air instruments while you are still a beginner. As you gain proficiency you can explore advanced modules like Dire Straits for air guitar and Flock of Seagulls for air keyboards.
As for knowing which lyrics to lip-sync and which to sing aloud, this is part practice and part instinct. In The Animal Song you obviously need to belt out all those high notes at great volume. It’s also fun to sing aloud lyrics that might confound unwitting passersby. Remember they cannot hear the music and the more tuneless your singing (I have an edge here, admittedly) the more likely they will wonder if you are yelling discordantly at them. I have sung
Would you like to make a run for it
Would you like to take my hand
and got some delightful reactions.
Please use the link below for your at-home practice. Once you’ve gained confidence, you can hit the streets.
* that number is zero
Q&A
Q. Michele, can I stop to talk to cute puppies?
A. Of course you can. Puppies love Dance-Walk™. Don’t be surprised if they try to join you, but they will not be able to master the moves, poor little guys. Every exercise program has its heartbreak, as I learned in my pandemic break-up.
Q. What should I wear?
A. I’ll be honest, I like a body-con outfit. It does mean you get some looks though, like the guy who comes out to water his garden without turning on the hose. One can only wonder what manner of internet filter reduces such a soul to fake-watering the plants so he can watch a decrepit faux ballerina dance-walk past. But, wear what feels good for you.
Q. Can I use hand weights?
A. Look, all forms of exercise carry some risk of injury. Few run the risk of you taking out your own eye with two kilos of neoprene-covered iron to the beat of Duran Duran’s Reflex, but this one does. So maybe leave the weights there behind the ab roller for now.
Q. What music is suitable?
A. Do you really need to ask? If the lyrics contain ‘hos’ or misogynistic rants, or a dubstep beat drops, then it’s a nuh-uh (the only thing that should drop is local property values). If it was ever available as a 12-inch vinyl single, you’re golden.
My dear acolytes, I’d better go check my spam for that Les Mills email. Happy dance-walking. And do let me know how you get on!
