Your call is important to us.
As proof, please enjoy being put on hold for a prolonged period. We are stealing your time in order to employ fewer staff and use the money to pay obscene bonuses to senior executives instead.
Your call is important to us.
As further evidence we care, please use this voice recognition feature. It will not understand you, forcing you to repeat yourself in ever-more exasperating attempts to enunciate your words. If you eventually hang up in despair, well that’s your choice. We did our best. By which we mean the least expensive.
Your call is important to us.
In case you still need convincing we care, please be forced to listen to perky ads for our products as you wait. You will feel your life slipping away, quite possibly along with your very will to live. This ensures that by the time we get to you, you are either a sad shell of your former self and incapable of calling us on our bullshit, or so crazed that you take out your frustration on our staff, who were not involved in the decision to steal your time for our colossal paychecks. Honestly, how do we get away with it?
Your call is important to us.
As a gesture of our goodwill, should you progress to speak to an actual human person, please enjoy endlessly repeating your information to all the many operators we will transfer you to. We do not have a protocol for passing on the information you provide each time, as that would require additional staff, technology, and training. All of which take away from those humongous bonuses. Did we mention the size of those bonuses? Sheesh.
Your call is important to us.
As a final show of our contempt— um, we mean care, please take special note that if you reach the right person for your issue, your persistence will be rewarded with an infuriating customer service experience, usually through no fault of the operator. You will almost certainly be put on hold for further extended periods. There will also be repeated citing of ‘policies’ that make absolutely no sense but are spoken in hushed, reverent tones. These policies are designed to make life easier for us so we can keep stealing your time to fund our profits.
Your call is important to us.
See, we figure if we say your call is important we’ll distract you from our actions, which clearly show nothing but disdain for you and your call. Let’s face it – to us you are simply a contributor to the fucking awesome bonuses we may or may not have mentioned earlier. Obviously it’s the executive bonuses that are important to us. Yeah, we’re bending you over to max out those bonuses – we know it, you know it, but what can you do about it? NOTHING.
Now, as we were saying…
Your call is important to us.
Note: I’ve linked the memes to their sources.
Then the icing on the cake, “please stay on the line to answer a quick survey” (which will in no way change how important your call is to us)
Yes, so true! Survey says: PROVIDE THE CUSTOMER SERVICE YOU WOULD WANT!